grace

I have been thinking about "grace" lately.

Having, at one time, been a practicing Catholic, I don't want to confuse the "Hail Mary, Full of Grace" "Grace"  with the "little g grace" that I'm talking about.  I'm talking about the grace that we are all exhibiting, or not, every day,


grace: noun
1. simple elegance or refinement of movement,
"she moved through the water with effortless grace"
synonyms: elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse, suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness "the grace of a ballerina"

- courteous goodwill
"at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her"
synonyms: courtesy, decency, manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact

- an attractive or polite manner of behaving
"she has all the social graces

This definition is where I'm coming from.
What does it mean to be gracious?  Why are some people so good at it, and some people struggle so?
There are circumstances each day that require the decision to exhibit grace, in the line at the grocery store when the guy behind you has one item and you have a cart full...do you let him go ahead?
If you do offer to let him go ahead, does he accept the offer?  Then the dance begins.  He may say, "No, that's okay." Does that nullify your gracious gesture?  I think not, but his opportunity to exhibit the "gracious acceptance" is not seized.  Tricky business, this grace thing.

I try more than anything, as a practice, to be gracious.  It is hard sometimes.  I lose my temper with people who I disagree with, and I lose my cool a couple of times a week, whether outwardly, or in my thoughts.  I am stubborn, which doesn't lend itself to being gracious, and that has been an ongoing lesson for my life.  Sometimes, things are just going to be what they are...grace is the decision to accept them, for the moment.  Sometimes things change, and I'm faced with exhibiting the grace of movement to navigate a new situation, or challenge.

I like the word.  There are many ways to describe a person, but I like gracious, if it fits.
I'm trying to remember that in the face of the current state of uncertainty about my employment future and my decision to take the hiatus that I'm on, at present, I'm going to have to be gracious in my explanation about the changes that have occurred in my life to those who are curious.  There are people that will wonder about things that I would prefer to remain private (not secret) and I will have to deflect questions in a graceful manner.  Are you going to get another job?  Why did you quit, you seemed to love your job so much?  Now what are you going to do?  I've already heard these, and others.  The answer is that "I'll figure it out", when sometimes I would like to say, "It really isn't any of your business".  That's just not fair to say, to people who are asking about my well being, even if the questions are misguided or actually nosy.  I lead, for better or worse, a public life.  It isn't one of celebrity, but it is one of openness, and that leads to a sense of familiarity with people, for better or worse.
So I decided this Monday morning to spend some time sorting out my feelings about "grace".
I also decided to start a conversation with you, the reader, about this very thing.
When have you had to muster grace in order to handle a situation?  Was it easy or hard?
Let's talk about grace.

Positive (baby) Step

I have been unemployed for six weeks.
That is the longest that I have not gone to a job for the past 9 years.  I like a lot about it.
I like having my weekends to myself, and the family.  The nature of the last business I was in required weekend work, almost each week.
I like that the house is cleaner than it has been since we moved here.
I like not feeling rushed.

I do, however, feel pressure.  I am sorting it out, because I think it is being created by my internal voice that says there is much to do.  I believe that there is much to do.  As a matter of fact, I'm positive.  This is the challenge of coming up for air.  I am a deep breather.
I look around and think that, while I'm quite happy, I'm still feeling like I have stuff to do.

Positive step this week:  I actually sold an item on "Offer Up".  It was a gadget that I have only used once or twice for crafting, and I knew it would have value to someone else at a very reduced price.
Last week, an "Offer Up" user reached out to me and told me that she really wanted it, but she had to do her bills before she could buy it.
She got back to me and told me that last week wasn't going to work, but she'd check back next Thursday, which was this week.
In the meantime, I had two people reach out to try to buy the item at a reduced rate, and I dragged my feet.  I reached out to the original person on Thursday to gauge her interest, and she was trying to figure out if she could afford it this week.  After turning down the other two who tried to reduce the price, I went ahead and reduced it for the original buyer, let her know  and delivered it to here, because her vehicle wasn't reliable enough to come get it.
While that is a small thing, it was something that, once again, reminded me that little kindnesses matter.
The girl who bought my gadget showed up at our meeting spot with her husband/boyfriend, and was so excited that the cost had come down and she didn't have to hesitate to buy something that she wanted.  She was grateful, and I was too.
I felt "lighter" in a way that has to do with looking at another human being and seeing a reversal in my own thinking.  I have had a really nice income for the past few years, because I worked for "extra money" that allowed me to do things on a whim, or buy a gift for someone, or shop when I wanted to for the kids, etc.  I don't have that luxury anymore, and I have tried to be very conscience of that.
I am terrible with a budget.  I'm going to fix that about myself.
"Extra" money existed while I worked  because my husband provides EVERYTHING that our family NEEDs.
The line has been blurred between need & want, to a degree that wasn't good for me, and I'm going to take steps to change some patterns.  It isn't easy.

Breathing Deep into mindful handling of money is going to be a theme for me going forward.

How about you?  What was your positive step this week?

Greetings from the Other Side

Being Grambo at Piper & Evy's First Birthday Party 1/15/17

Re-inventing life after picking my nose up off the grindstone!

I have tried blogging...
I blog about my family, my job, my memories, my views.
This latest incantation is going to be an endeavor to walk along side anyone that might find themselves at loose ends.

If you see this post, it will be because you know me and you see it pop up on my social media sights as a link...forgive me if you already know my story.
If you are a fan of the stories I share, please feel free to share this Blog with people that you think might enjoy them too.

I'm going to start with the day that I walked off the job that I loved with a quick re-cap of how I turned 2017 upside down on day four.

I was invited to a meeting with my immediate supervisor, and a neanderthal from a business with which we were seeking a sponsorship.  I was a Jill of all trades at the job that I had, and admittedly only the master of some, but of those, I was an expert.
I had my hand in starting a Theatre Company in a very small (pop. 8000) city in the buckle of the Bible Belt about nine years ago.  Two women came in, yankees at that, and decided to put on a show.  The Director of Economic Development was at the helm, and we did the city a solid.  Things picked up, foot traffic, restaurants were added, businesses increased, etc.  It was a model for other cities, and we were all very proud.

Things change...if you didn't know that, let me tell you before you get into the situation I was in...after a great deal of attrition, I became the only remaining "founding member" of the Company.  Luckily, my job was invented by me, so I was safe as the changes occurred.  My eldest son was named Artistic Director of the Venue to which I had dedicated my time, so I was doubled down on making it successful.

Things change...had I mentioned that?
When things were getting worse and leadership was lacking I should have noticed the handwriting on the wall out of the corner of my eye...unfortunately, I was too busy.
For one whole year, I ignored the red flags until I raised my white flag in January.
When a girl like me  is in a room with two men who know little to nothing about the subject at hand, and the discussion deteriorates to insults directed at "her" while the guest points his finger, and the "boss" decided to not man up, I  kind of knew  it might be time for my final bow.

I considered the prospect of quitting for a little while in the context of giving up, and it hurt.  I considered it in the context of the example I have to maintain for my daughters, daughter in law, and granddaughters, and it hurt less.

I have always hated the final bow.  It means the show is over.
It means that all the hard work that went into the product, the show, is now in my rear view mirror.  If I did it right, the audience leaps to their feet.  In this case it's just a metaphor, I walked out of my office with a box full of personal items. That's when I handed the disloyal boss the keys and told him that I could no longer be a part of what he was doing to the community I have come to love and the curtain fell.

That brings me here.
After six long weeks of not knowing what is going to happen next, or having to juggle all of the knives that I had been juggling, I have come up for air.

I have started meeting with a former colleague and friend and we are exchanging ideas, like old times.  The discussions about the future and the catching up on what we've missed during our time apart makes our meetings more like being in  an old fashioned pinball game, rather than a business meeting, but it is comfortable and reassuring.   I remember that even though our endeavor which  we began all those years ago is no longer ours, we did, indeed, start something of note.
We did it for the reasons I remember, and the mission has remained pure in the hands of the Artistic Director and his Company that are now bringing the stage to life with his vision.
I am satisfied that my work was worthwhile.

Where does that leave me?  Who should I be now that I'm free to be what I want to be in this moment.
I'm confused.  I'm excited.  I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm worried. I'm bored.  I'm so many things that I need to map them out to understand what I feel most.

I do know that I'm not rushed.  I'm not covering any one's mistakes. I'm not spending my weekends away from my home.
I'm not biting my tongue.

I'm breathing.  I'm meditating (almost) daily.  I'm less exhausted.  I'm having fun dreaming a few new dreams, and sorting through their feasibility.

What do you think?  Do you want to come along on this next leg of the journey?  I hope so.  I hope that my little struggle will inspire someone to look deep inside and see if they really want to be someone else's apologist.  Do you really want to work so hard for someone because it is what comes naturally, not because you're gratified by the experience?  Can you make a change, large or small, and loosen the grip of the routine that you're in?

I'm here, and I'm living this one precious life with a renewed curiosity, as I work to find a new niche.  I think I'm on to something big, and I am excited to share it in the next few weeks.

A new beginning.