That Time of Year

The Search for Soul begins...

It is the time of year for the big ..."what'scomingnextIhavewastedmylifetwentyeighteenwillbebetterIcouldnotaskformoremylifeisbrilliantwheredidIgowrong" examination of life conversation...

I've chosen my "word" for 2018 and it is Soul.  I saw a quote recently and it said "Where ever you are, be the soul of that place" and that struck me as a sign.  Soul is something that I believe in, and there are very few of those things left after the past year. 
I think we all have a Soul, and that we are here in this precious life to share ours with those who are worthy.  I think the trick is figuring out who isn't worthy, and that doesn't happen until we've already shared, so we always learn the hard way.  Pessimistic?  Not necessarily.

I have spent eleven months realigning my life and it has been a struggle. 
I have gained many things, the greatest of which is perspective about the past and how it shapes the future, all while I was learning to live in the present.  Pretty existential, I'll admit.

Someone I respect asked me the other day, "why don't you write?". 
I had now answer.

When I do "write" I am attempting to convey the many thoughts, musings, ideas that swirl in my mind, and that is where my Soul resides.  My Soul can be found in the fleeting thoughts that are smart enough to realize that everything is really that very moment. It happens to me when I am working at my part time job, doing repetitive tasks, and thinking creative thoughts.  It happens to me when I am driving and listening to music, or sitting in car line, waiting for Rosey, knowing that these precious years are drawing to a close, and there will be a day when I have no place to be at 3:00 p.m.
It happens to me a lot, since I came up for air in January.
I feel more calm, and maybe I have discerned what I should spend my time thinking about.  Maybe I have gotten deeper in my work toward living my best life and perhaps, I've  connected with something that will lead me forward toward a Soul Filled Life, of which I feel I'm on the fringe.  I'm not sure. 

This is all to say that "Soul" jumped out at me, and I hope, in the year ahead, my journey will make the reason for that clear to me, and to those who glance at this blog. 

What is your word? 

Grief

It rolled in slowly, not in big waves, but in the way that the ocean creeps up on my set up at the beach as the tide comes in.  I expect the ocean, I didn’t expect this.
I was probably busy scrolling Facebook or Instagram while it was all happening, and while I was as angry and indignant as everyone else, I was in denial.  Ten years can’t be erased in such a disgraceful way.  Oh, but they can.   Beauty  is no match for small men, in small towns, with big cars and houses.  Beauty hangs by a thread, as always, waiting for the recognition that it is the result of real work, but waiting remains its fate.  The actual players remained dignified and silent, refusing to justify a body of work that speaks for itself.

The woodwork released the hangers on, the advocates with Art as their mantra while their handmade paper signs and camera mugging gave them away as exactly what they are...those that can’t make, take.

I look at my Masterpiece, and see all that was created, and what was  built  by his hands on the promises of a snake oil salesman, well intended as that  might have been.  Dreams were dreamed, stories were conceived and brought to fruition for the greater good.
Some came for a moment, and some for most of the ride.  Bridges were built, barriers came down, friendships were forged and one corner of the world was the recipient of a very special magic.  The magic that comes from anything born of love.

Intentions aren’t always pure, so I watched and waited and was proven right, time and time again.  
The world is better because of the work.  The lives that were touched will feel the breeze of possibility in every idea as they swirl around. Some will  grow legs, or simply remain  fanciful wishes for something that is just out of reach. At least there are some dreamers left to dream.

Today I realized that I am grieving.  Loss is hard.  Watching a dream die is nearly fucking impossible.
Remember this, if you think you want to dream a big dream: those that can’t make, take.

...oh, and don’t even get me started on Donald Trump.

Community Theatre vs. Theatre Community

"The Arts Matter."
Let's just agree to disagree about that statement.  The reason I say "we" disagree, is because everyone has a different idea of what "Art" is, and many people have never been exposed to the connection between the Arts and the greater good.  This is not a judgement, this is a fact.

In Fountain Inn, South Carolina, the town that my family calls home, there has been an investment in the Arts for the past 8 years.  It was evidenced in the creation of a Community Chorale, a Community Theatre Company, and a Community Orchestra.  These things were housed in a building that was once the Community School.  When the City Administration decided to use the building as a home for the Arts, it was a slow, but steady growth toward economic development for the Main Street of Fountain Inn.  That point can't effectively be argued against, if one is looking at the facts as they are evidenced in the rising Hospitality Tax and foot traffic in the city.

Yay for the Arts!!!

I live in a house filled with "artists".  I married an engineer who happens to be a fine Jazz Musician in his own right. We have four children, and they are all artistically bent.  It has always defied any true label, as they all have writing ability, visual art skills, acting talent, as well as musical gifts. Again, no judgement, only facts.  Our family has participated in the Performing Arts, as well as the Arts Education in the City of Fountain Inn, and we have all benefited greatly from that participation.

This is where I start to get a little rebellious about what is happening in the city right now, as the Younts Center for Performing Arts faces crippling budget cuts, for the second year in a row.

The Center is currently home to a Community of Artists.

 As the years have gone by, since the founding of  FIRE Theatre Co. (formally FIRE) many of the local Theatres have become smaller and less open to members of the Community at large as performers.  That is not to say it is bad for Theatres to adjust their mission, or to change things up to attract audiences in the immediate area where they perform.  It is just a fact of the state of the performing arts through the recession in 2007-2009 and going forward.  All any Theatre/Venue wants to do is attract an audience with which to share  their work.  The same is true for the Chorale, and the Orchestra, as well as any Ballet Co., or any artist, for that matter.
The Younts Center for Performing Arts is located in an area that has been traditionally under-served where artistic programming and education is concerned.  There is plenty to see and do in Greenville.
It has become a wonderful, burgeoning Arts Mecca in the years since my family came from New York in 1989, to make our home in South Carolina.  Fountain Inn is located about 30 minutes from Downtown Greenville, and it has attracted patrons, and performers for which the Greenville Market is not an option.  Some reasons include ticket prices, parking issues for elderly patrons, exclusivity to known performers for casting opportunities, cost of classes and distance for many families in the Golden Strip, there are more reasons, or course, but these are a few that speak to the "Community" aspect to which I am passionately attached.

Community is defined by Webster as:

1.  a unified body of individuals: such as
a: State, Commonwealth
b: the people with common interests living in a particular area; broadly: the area itself *the problems of a large community
c: an interacting population of various kinds of individuals (such as species) in a common location
d: a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society * a community of retired persons
e: a group linked by common policy
f: a body of persons or nations having a common history or common social, economic and political interests
g: a body of persons of common and especially professional interests scattered through a larger society *the academic community * the scientific community

2. :society at large * the interests of the community

3.a: joint ownership or participation *community of goods
b: common character: likeness * community of interest
c: social activity: fellowship
d: a social state or condition * the school encourages a sense of community in its students

You see, what Fountain Inn has made available in the past 9 years is a home for a community of people who have enjoyed "joint ownership or participation".  Some have been performers, some have been teachers, some have been volunteers.  The building at 315 N. Main Street has been home to citizens of Fountain Inn and surrounding towns that have lifted their voices to sing in the Chorale.  It has been home to musicians, amateurs and professional, alike that have participated in the Orchestra.
It has been the home for visual artists that shared their gifts through the once thriving Academy.  Summer Camps, Art Shows, High School Reunions, Concerts, and of course Theatre.
True. Community. Theatre.
When FIRE started, all those years ago, I overheard a fellow participant in a production in which I was involved with in Greenville say "Did you hear they think they're going to start a theatre in Fountain Inn?"  He laughed.
Well, they did start a theatre in Fountain Inn, and season after season, young people and adults alike came out an performed on a stage, many for the first time.
Families shared the experience of putting a show together, Local professionals tried their hands at getting on the stage to fulfill a childhood aspiration,  Young people came up through the ranks and went on to College to be stand-out performers in their school's productions, even if Theatre isn't their course of study, they brought what they learned at 315 N. Main Street, Fountain Inn out into the world and made it a better place.
The building at 315 N. Main Street has mounted productions of Children's Plays that have given opportunities to the Community Elementary School to walk over and for $2 see a show, for many, their first Theatre experience.
Lauren's County Students have been beneficiaries as well, and that is important, as Fountain Inn does sit on the border of two counties, and the under-served population in Lauren's Schools have seen shows, when a trip to a theatre in Greenville was cost prohibitive.

That is what a true sense of community accomplished in this town that my family calls home.
Community should never be sacrificed for some misguided sense that, however that community came together, it costs more than it is worth.  Community is priceless.
The Arts Community, The Recreational Sports Community, The Merchant Community they all matter to the Fountain Inn Community.

I love all of my #artsmatters friends, but they are not who I am fighting for.  I am fighting for the people who laid it out on the stage, or in the Pit, or in the classrooms when they were filled, or folding programs before a show, or showing people to their seats, or working in the booth, or buying a ticket to see their favorite locals performer. The people who build the sets, the people who make the costumes, the *stage managers*.
I'm fighting for people who put their money where their mouths were and bought a ticket during the first season, when nobody was quite sure what they were going to see.  After all, it was Fountain Inn...
I'm fighting for the kids who might not have ever had any other opportunity to be involved, because they weren't what a larger, more established Theatre were looking for, or their mom was dying of cancer and their family couldn't have possibly left their own town to get to a rehearsals every night during tech week.  I'm fighting for the kids who have been in a two week summer camp and ended those weeks knowing that they can actually do anything, and that includes not being perfect.  I'm fighting for grandparents and aunts and uncles that get to see a recital, at no cost, and understand why their grandkids, nieces, nephews, spend so much time at rehearsal, or why some kids don't play sports.

I'm fighting for the Community that has given so much to my family.  We have been the recipients of the most generous audiences, actors, patrons, and volunteers we could have ever imagined.
We have done our very best to share what we love with the Community that has given so much to us.
When all is said and done, I'm sure that more will be said than done to protect the current standing of the building at 315 N. Main Street Fountain Inn, but I want someone to see the fight as a fight for a Community of People, not artists, not politicians, but PEOPLE that for a time, were the luckiest people in the world,

The White Space

It has been a couple of very busy, I would say saturated weeks here in the place where everything that matters happens.

I have a couple of really deep posts that I'm trying to sort out in my mind, before I put them in the blogosphere for eternity, so that should fill all two of my readers with anticipation.

This morning, I can't shake the nagging desire to shout out to the universe, meaning, America, and particularly the education system, that my children are not like every other child...and neither is every other child, like every other child.

Rosey is in seventh grade and it is a TOUGH year.  The curriculum isn't all that exciting, although she does love Social Studies.  She is very concerned with social issues, and I had to sign off for her to write a paper on the struggles of the LGBT Community for English Class.  She is interested in that whole "liberty and justice for all" thing that we all like to say we should be pledging, but many people only want that to apply to those who are exactly like them...a topic for another day...

I am trying to articulate the background for the thoughts that are swirling this morning, and I am probably doing poorly.
The Middle School that Rosey attends seems to have a difficult time holding on to teachers, or providing the teachers they do have with inspiration of any kind.  Rosey comes home daily with tales of the complaining of her homeroom/science teacher about his job, and his punitive methods of enforcing, and not imparting knowledge.  She used to love Science.

Second semester has been especially challenging because of Phys. Ed. requirements.
Rosey isn't at all athletic.  She is an adolescent girl, who is beautifully modest, but disturbingly self conscious when it comes to her body image.  Of course, in the wisdom of "fitness experts and education professionals" this is the perfect time to have the girls "dress out" in locker rooms, when they are learning to deal with menstruation and developing breasts.  Who wouldn't want to get stripped down in front of the bully who has been giving them shit for a few months?  Sounds like a plan.
Proceed to the choosing of teams when the girl with the glasses is left in the center of the gymnasium after not having been "picked" for a team, and the "coach" comes out and tells the leftover kids to be a team of their own.
Maybe a little while later, the "coach" can come over and point at the girl with the glasses and say to the other members of the leftover team..."she isn't doing anything" and then turn to the glasses girl and say "make a basket"...

This was yesterday.  I know, because in her self deprecating way, Rosey told the story of not being picked.

The semester was supposed to include the one class that brings Rosey true joy, and that is Art.
It is an elective, and she only has one semester to take the class.
The teacher stopped coming one day about three weeks into the semester. We received an excuse letter and were told that there would be a "long term substitute" because, you know, why would an Art teacher be required to teach art?
So I'll make my rant a little shorter than it is in my heart, and say, that the substitute made Rosey completely color in her "project" because there shouldn't be any white space.  No choices for you, young lady, do what we say.

Today, my little adolescent beauty with glasses and the most beautiful hair in the world is getting an early dismissal from school.  The reason, is because we said so.  As her parents, we decided that Rosey should get a few hours to prepare for opening night of Julius Caesar, for which she is an essential crew member.  She has been at rehearsal each night of tech week until 11:00 p.m. keeping things straight backstage  She works with her sister-in-law, her two older brothers, and a wonderful cast of people who acknowledge and appreciate her quirky, tippy-toe, walk, and her wry, sarcastic humor.  She will come home at lunchtime, and have something nutritious, and maybe a Starbucks, or a Sonic Route 44 drink for dessert.  She can come home and relax on the couch for a while and prepare to work as hard as any athlete or substitute art teacher as she gets a Theatre Production on the stage for an audience that appreciates people like her.  The weird ones, the shooting stars that understand the need for white space and big splashy explosions of Rock and Roll music and Shakespeare mashed up with fascist regimes and home-made blood packs.  I gave birth to four of those, and they stick together.

Maybe the school will ask for an explanation of why we took Rosey out early today that is more detailed than:

"Please excuse Rosey Pelicano at 12:30 p.m. today.
Thank you,
Cheryl Anne Pelicano"

If they do, I will share this link.

xxoo

grace

I have been thinking about "grace" lately.

Having, at one time, been a practicing Catholic, I don't want to confuse the "Hail Mary, Full of Grace" "Grace"  with the "little g grace" that I'm talking about.  I'm talking about the grace that we are all exhibiting, or not, every day,


grace: noun
1. simple elegance or refinement of movement,
"she moved through the water with effortless grace"
synonyms: elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse, suppleness, agility, nimbleness, light-footedness "the grace of a ballerina"

- courteous goodwill
"at least he has the grace to admit his debt to her"
synonyms: courtesy, decency, manners, politeness, decorum, respect, tact

- an attractive or polite manner of behaving
"she has all the social graces

This definition is where I'm coming from.
What does it mean to be gracious?  Why are some people so good at it, and some people struggle so?
There are circumstances each day that require the decision to exhibit grace, in the line at the grocery store when the guy behind you has one item and you have a cart full...do you let him go ahead?
If you do offer to let him go ahead, does he accept the offer?  Then the dance begins.  He may say, "No, that's okay." Does that nullify your gracious gesture?  I think not, but his opportunity to exhibit the "gracious acceptance" is not seized.  Tricky business, this grace thing.

I try more than anything, as a practice, to be gracious.  It is hard sometimes.  I lose my temper with people who I disagree with, and I lose my cool a couple of times a week, whether outwardly, or in my thoughts.  I am stubborn, which doesn't lend itself to being gracious, and that has been an ongoing lesson for my life.  Sometimes, things are just going to be what they are...grace is the decision to accept them, for the moment.  Sometimes things change, and I'm faced with exhibiting the grace of movement to navigate a new situation, or challenge.

I like the word.  There are many ways to describe a person, but I like gracious, if it fits.
I'm trying to remember that in the face of the current state of uncertainty about my employment future and my decision to take the hiatus that I'm on, at present, I'm going to have to be gracious in my explanation about the changes that have occurred in my life to those who are curious.  There are people that will wonder about things that I would prefer to remain private (not secret) and I will have to deflect questions in a graceful manner.  Are you going to get another job?  Why did you quit, you seemed to love your job so much?  Now what are you going to do?  I've already heard these, and others.  The answer is that "I'll figure it out", when sometimes I would like to say, "It really isn't any of your business".  That's just not fair to say, to people who are asking about my well being, even if the questions are misguided or actually nosy.  I lead, for better or worse, a public life.  It isn't one of celebrity, but it is one of openness, and that leads to a sense of familiarity with people, for better or worse.
So I decided this Monday morning to spend some time sorting out my feelings about "grace".
I also decided to start a conversation with you, the reader, about this very thing.
When have you had to muster grace in order to handle a situation?  Was it easy or hard?
Let's talk about grace.

Positive (baby) Step

I have been unemployed for six weeks.
That is the longest that I have not gone to a job for the past 9 years.  I like a lot about it.
I like having my weekends to myself, and the family.  The nature of the last business I was in required weekend work, almost each week.
I like that the house is cleaner than it has been since we moved here.
I like not feeling rushed.

I do, however, feel pressure.  I am sorting it out, because I think it is being created by my internal voice that says there is much to do.  I believe that there is much to do.  As a matter of fact, I'm positive.  This is the challenge of coming up for air.  I am a deep breather.
I look around and think that, while I'm quite happy, I'm still feeling like I have stuff to do.

Positive step this week:  I actually sold an item on "Offer Up".  It was a gadget that I have only used once or twice for crafting, and I knew it would have value to someone else at a very reduced price.
Last week, an "Offer Up" user reached out to me and told me that she really wanted it, but she had to do her bills before she could buy it.
She got back to me and told me that last week wasn't going to work, but she'd check back next Thursday, which was this week.
In the meantime, I had two people reach out to try to buy the item at a reduced rate, and I dragged my feet.  I reached out to the original person on Thursday to gauge her interest, and she was trying to figure out if she could afford it this week.  After turning down the other two who tried to reduce the price, I went ahead and reduced it for the original buyer, let her know  and delivered it to here, because her vehicle wasn't reliable enough to come get it.
While that is a small thing, it was something that, once again, reminded me that little kindnesses matter.
The girl who bought my gadget showed up at our meeting spot with her husband/boyfriend, and was so excited that the cost had come down and she didn't have to hesitate to buy something that she wanted.  She was grateful, and I was too.
I felt "lighter" in a way that has to do with looking at another human being and seeing a reversal in my own thinking.  I have had a really nice income for the past few years, because I worked for "extra money" that allowed me to do things on a whim, or buy a gift for someone, or shop when I wanted to for the kids, etc.  I don't have that luxury anymore, and I have tried to be very conscience of that.
I am terrible with a budget.  I'm going to fix that about myself.
"Extra" money existed while I worked  because my husband provides EVERYTHING that our family NEEDs.
The line has been blurred between need & want, to a degree that wasn't good for me, and I'm going to take steps to change some patterns.  It isn't easy.

Breathing Deep into mindful handling of money is going to be a theme for me going forward.

How about you?  What was your positive step this week?

Greetings from the Other Side

Being Grambo at Piper & Evy's First Birthday Party 1/15/17

Re-inventing life after picking my nose up off the grindstone!

I have tried blogging...
I blog about my family, my job, my memories, my views.
This latest incantation is going to be an endeavor to walk along side anyone that might find themselves at loose ends.

If you see this post, it will be because you know me and you see it pop up on my social media sights as a link...forgive me if you already know my story.
If you are a fan of the stories I share, please feel free to share this Blog with people that you think might enjoy them too.

I'm going to start with the day that I walked off the job that I loved with a quick re-cap of how I turned 2017 upside down on day four.

I was invited to a meeting with my immediate supervisor, and a neanderthal from a business with which we were seeking a sponsorship.  I was a Jill of all trades at the job that I had, and admittedly only the master of some, but of those, I was an expert.
I had my hand in starting a Theatre Company in a very small (pop. 8000) city in the buckle of the Bible Belt about nine years ago.  Two women came in, yankees at that, and decided to put on a show.  The Director of Economic Development was at the helm, and we did the city a solid.  Things picked up, foot traffic, restaurants were added, businesses increased, etc.  It was a model for other cities, and we were all very proud.

Things change...if you didn't know that, let me tell you before you get into the situation I was in...after a great deal of attrition, I became the only remaining "founding member" of the Company.  Luckily, my job was invented by me, so I was safe as the changes occurred.  My eldest son was named Artistic Director of the Venue to which I had dedicated my time, so I was doubled down on making it successful.

Things change...had I mentioned that?
When things were getting worse and leadership was lacking I should have noticed the handwriting on the wall out of the corner of my eye...unfortunately, I was too busy.
For one whole year, I ignored the red flags until I raised my white flag in January.
When a girl like me  is in a room with two men who know little to nothing about the subject at hand, and the discussion deteriorates to insults directed at "her" while the guest points his finger, and the "boss" decided to not man up, I  kind of knew  it might be time for my final bow.

I considered the prospect of quitting for a little while in the context of giving up, and it hurt.  I considered it in the context of the example I have to maintain for my daughters, daughter in law, and granddaughters, and it hurt less.

I have always hated the final bow.  It means the show is over.
It means that all the hard work that went into the product, the show, is now in my rear view mirror.  If I did it right, the audience leaps to their feet.  In this case it's just a metaphor, I walked out of my office with a box full of personal items. That's when I handed the disloyal boss the keys and told him that I could no longer be a part of what he was doing to the community I have come to love and the curtain fell.

That brings me here.
After six long weeks of not knowing what is going to happen next, or having to juggle all of the knives that I had been juggling, I have come up for air.

I have started meeting with a former colleague and friend and we are exchanging ideas, like old times.  The discussions about the future and the catching up on what we've missed during our time apart makes our meetings more like being in  an old fashioned pinball game, rather than a business meeting, but it is comfortable and reassuring.   I remember that even though our endeavor which  we began all those years ago is no longer ours, we did, indeed, start something of note.
We did it for the reasons I remember, and the mission has remained pure in the hands of the Artistic Director and his Company that are now bringing the stage to life with his vision.
I am satisfied that my work was worthwhile.

Where does that leave me?  Who should I be now that I'm free to be what I want to be in this moment.
I'm confused.  I'm excited.  I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm worried. I'm bored.  I'm so many things that I need to map them out to understand what I feel most.

I do know that I'm not rushed.  I'm not covering any one's mistakes. I'm not spending my weekends away from my home.
I'm not biting my tongue.

I'm breathing.  I'm meditating (almost) daily.  I'm less exhausted.  I'm having fun dreaming a few new dreams, and sorting through their feasibility.

What do you think?  Do you want to come along on this next leg of the journey?  I hope so.  I hope that my little struggle will inspire someone to look deep inside and see if they really want to be someone else's apologist.  Do you really want to work so hard for someone because it is what comes naturally, not because you're gratified by the experience?  Can you make a change, large or small, and loosen the grip of the routine that you're in?

I'm here, and I'm living this one precious life with a renewed curiosity, as I work to find a new niche.  I think I'm on to something big, and I am excited to share it in the next few weeks.

A new beginning.